Why is giving feedback so hard?
We know we need to do it but we don't, and we know no good comes from not giving feedback early and often.
In every team I work with, feedback is the key.
Create more psychological safety = give feedback to team members.
Create more alignment = give feedback to peers.
Create better performers = give feedback to team members.
YET so few of us actually do it. Why? Because we don’t do it early and often, it becomes a big thing that we dread and avoid.
Last week I went to dinner with a good friend who was feeling a bit jilted after having to make her first fire.
Here’s the gist:
The hire was an experienced person that, on paper, came from reputable organizations and looked like someone who could take the baton and run with it
Within the first months my friend noticed some “questionable” behaviours like being on their phone during meetings, not being responsive on slack during core working hours and generally giving off disengaged vibes.
My friend decided that instead of calling someone up on this who is almost as senior as she is to leave it be and write it off as not being a big deal.
Six months later, and my friend is having to make her first fire, and it went horrible. The person felt blindsided and went all “legal” on them.
HR and the CEO had to get involved and it was a huge distraction and took tons of energy from all involved.
This isn’t the first and this isn’t going to be the last time we witness a situation like this. IMO friend should consider herself lucky that this situation lasted only a few months and didn’t drag on for years, and end up in messy settlement agreements.
Way back when, my friend actually called me when the signals started to show up and asked for my input. Here’s the advice I gave:
Many people call me for for this kind of advice and most don’t listen to it. I find it fascinating that we are so willing to avoid the discomfort of telling a grown adult that their behaviours or judgement isn’t on point that we rationalise, move on and pretend it’s not “that” bad. Fast forward, and we end up with under performers, often entitled because they have no clue you’re having to pick up the pieces, that we end up having to go to bat for. This is not only time consuming, counter-productive and inefficient but worst of all…
It erodes your credibility as a good leader.
I wasted too much time as an employee wondering where I stood with my boss, and my imposter syndrome gladly filled in the blanks. So I make a guarantee to any one that works for me that they will never have to guess where they stand, and if they find themselves wondering, to call me immediately.
They know when they are on point, and they will know when they are not.
No surprises.
This means that feedback is expected and part of our constant dialogue - never a “moment” in time. I also encourage them to give feedback to me and ensure I role model what receiving feedback looks like when it comes to hearing something you might not want to hear (listen + reflect, don’t defend) ← more on this another day.
Feedback becomes a big deal when it bundle it together into snowball. We should be delivering it for each snowflake.
If you find yourself struggling to deliver feedback early and often and can relate to my friend’s situation, here’s an example of how that situation could play out differently:
The hire was an experienced person that, on paper, came from reputable organizations and looked like someone who could take the baton and run with it ← Don’t fall into the "“company credibility” trap. When I worked in executive recruitment I referred to this as ‘lazy’ hiring. JUST because people work at reputable companies does not mean they are good performers. Every interview should be investigative and look to uncover this person’s work ethic.
Within the first months my friend noticed some “questionable” behaviours like being on the phone during meetings, not being responsive on slack during core working hours and generally giving off disengaged vibes ← Feedback doesn’t mean coming in hot, I open most feedback chats with a question. If it’s something small like being on instagram while on a call I’d start with “Hey, I noticed you’ve been on instagram while in meetings, is that something you did at your previous company?” - give them a chance to respond and follow up with “I see, well for our team it doesn’t send the right message and to build rapport it’s important for me that everyone is attentive and engaged so would appreciate it if you didn’t do that in meetings here.” Done. The make a note of the date and conversation.
My friend decided that instead of calling someone up on this who is almost senior as she is to leave it be and write it off as not being a big deal. ← Yes small micro actions aren’t a big deal in isolation but they all build up. If it’s affecting their ability to perform, establish credibility, or holds them back, call it out through being curious.
Six months later, and my friend is having to make her first fire, and it went horrible. The person felt blindsided and went all “legal” on them. ← By calling out small things early (and keeping a log) you avoid big surprises that catch people off guard and end up reacting in unpleasant ways (trust me I’ve seen it all). It becomes a “conversation” instead of a disagreement.
HR and the CEO had to get involved and it was a huge distraction and took tons of energy from all involved. ← Always bring HR along the journey, as soon as you start having those gut feelings, they will help you follow the process by the letter. I can’t stress this enough. Some things you say in your innocence and inexperience can be used against you. Avoid bringing in anyone from senior management unless there’s a gross misconduct case or it’s looking like a tribunal could be in the cards.
I know that this is all easier said than done, but its a muscle every leader needs to build. And I never give advice I don’t role model myself. It is possible.
If it makes you feel better, in a podcast I was listening to last week Gary Vee himself admitted that he has learned the hard way on how important giving feedback early on is, and how even though he has learned this very expensive lesson multiple times over, he still struggles with it.
I leave you with this phenomenal quote to refer to the next time you find yourself saying it’s not “THAT” bad..
Don’t trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction.
Have 5 minutes?
Before you go, we are prepping our annual insights paper and are conducting some research. Would love to hear what’s blocking your leadership. Thank you!
You got this.
G